The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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