I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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