we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
