he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
