im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize