I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
