I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
