It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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