Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
