u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
