i would punch a child for taco bell
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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