We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
