just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
