I will die if light touches me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
