i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
