Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
