1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
