I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
