May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
