These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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