This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
