It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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