fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
