found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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