I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
