why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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