Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize