I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
