I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
