I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize