can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
