the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
