btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
