I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
