Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
