Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
