I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Randomize
