when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
