You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
