He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
