my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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