It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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