Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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