Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
