mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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