New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
