I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize