If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
