u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
