Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
