so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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