I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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