He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
