when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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