ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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