Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
