Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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